Channeling My Inner-Derek Jeter or How I Got My Confidence Back

                I’d like to use this blog to offer my thoughts on how I persevered through a serve depression which lasted twenty-eight months. While I was going through it, I had a mental health team, family and friends to back me up. Before I continue talking about me, let me digress and talk about Derek Jeter’s role in helping me dig my way out of a black funk, figuratively speaking, and to find happiness again.

(A.) Channeling My Inner-Derek Jeter:

I cannot remember exactly when I first heard Derek Jeter’s interview. Perhaps, it was 12-18 months ago? My thoughts about Jeter before this interview was that he always seemed to embrace the role of being a key player when the big game was close and the outcome was in doubt. During that timeframe, one day I was sitting at home watching the former New York Yankee shortstop and future Hall of Famer on TV (of course) and his responding to questions with memorable remarks. 

At one point in this interview the questioner asked Derek, “If the game as well as the entire season hangs in the balance, a really good pitcher is challenging you, 50,00 cheering fans are in the stands and fifty million people are watching and/or listening on TV, the internet and on the radio, how do you handle the pressure?” Jeter responded and said the following, “The answer to your question is simple. I’m not afraid to fail.”

At the time I heard this interview, Jeter’s response resonated inside of me. It still does. In an interesting metaphorical way, Derek’s verbal response mirrors the physical act of the swing of his bat. His swing is short, sweet and to the point. I thought that Jeter’s verbal response was succinct, comprehensive, deep and profound. In comparison, I suspect that some players who have great reputations and are well paid, may not admit it but don’t always want to be the man at the plate when a crucial post-season game is on the line and they need to succeed under pressure.

How did Jeter do it? In summary, Derek had lots of talent and remarkable inner will to excel. As a long-time New York Yankee fan, I recall from his rookie (freshman) year onward, Jeter had a lot of experience playing in the post-season. When approaching the plate and settling into the batter’s box in the late innings in an important playoff or World Series game, I would watch him closely.  You could literally see Derek pull himself together as he rose to the occasion. Jeter would take lots of deeps breaths, tell himself out-loud, “Come-on, Come-on” to stay focused and sometimes ask for a short time-out with the umpire’s permission to clear his mind. With his G-d-given reflexes, Jeter would continue to foul-off borderline pitches which could be either a strike or a ball but needed to be neutralized because these pitches were frequently unhittable.

Jeter ranks number six on the all-time list of base hits by a professional major league baseball player during regulation season play. When the opposing pitcher finally threw a predictable and hittable pitch, Derek with his patented Jeterian, inside-out, swing would frequently hit a pitch for a single or a double to right center. Even when challenged by a pitcher who would throw a difficult pitch in an attempt to jam him, Derek would somehow get his swing in a position so that the ball would hit the bathead and the trajectory of the ball would sometimes go in unexpected directions which made it difficult for opposing teams to play a traditional defense because his repertoire was difficult to predict.

Suffice to say Jeter’s workman-like approach to hitting as well as defense was a thing of beauty to watch day-in and day-out. What stays with me is Derek Jeter’s confidence in handling challenging situations and his fearlessness regardless of the outcome. In summary as a five-time member of Word Series championship teams in a twenty-one-year career, his accomplishments are remarkable because of his underlying strength reflected in his “not being afraid to fail”.

(B.) Falling into an Abyss:

On May 21^st, 2010, I started to fall into an abyss leading to severe depression and reemerged twenty-eight months later on September 24^th, 2012. When I was going through it, I reached out to my long time psychologist. I also saw my psychiatrist for medication. My mental help team was of great help to me. They deserve a lot of credit. In addition, my wife was very supportive and so were my friends.

However, getting better was up-to-me. Day-in and day-out, I was the one who had to do the heavy lifting. I had to force myself and get up for work week days. I somehow made it into work even though I did not feel well. I did my best to somehow function.

Why did I fall into a depression? I think because three things happened to me nearly at the same time. For example, my work situation changed because my job was eliminated and there was little or no training for the new position. When this happened, I felt crushed because I lacked the confidence to try something new. Thus, I was unable to “bounce-back” and my work situation never seemed to settle down.

Secondly, my son who was a minor at the time was involved in an incident which caused legal difficulties which didn’t stop after we hired an experienced attorney and worked with a judge who offered lenient terms of probation. As hard as my wife and tried to manage this situation, we could not control it because our son was unwilling to work together with us. After a while, we finally resigned ourselves to the fact that it wasn’t out fault.

Our child hit rock bottom when he was transferred to a secure facility in upstate New York. As involved and caring parents, we felt responsible. But things started to change in a positive direction when our son took an important step by passing his high school general equivalency (GED) diploma and was released to our home in the spring of 2012 after being away from us for a year and a half. Since then, he has relocated to another state in 2014 with his girlfriend. This couple is living independently as they both are employed in full-time salaried jobs and attending college.

Thirdly at the same time our first two problems became evident, we faced another challenge. In 2010 and 2011, we had a vermin infestation in our home. We spent a small fortune at having our co-op deloused.  For that timeframe, it felt like this situation was a biblical plague foisted upon us and that this situation would never end. It’s hard to say if all our efforts day made a difference? Reflecting my sense of humor which fortunately I have regained, it’s my best guess is that 4-5 years ago, the vermin eventually decided to leave our home and find some other family to torment.

(C.) Things Change for the Better After They Continue to Get Worse:

For the first twenty-one years I worked in municipal government, I had a great career. I was able to elevate myself through passing several civil service exams, by receiving merit pay increases for outstanding work performed above and performing work beyond the call of my assigned duties and taking on additional responsibilities while continuing my core areas of expertise in the area of Medicare and Medicaid policy and reimbursement. During these great years, I was able to attend meetings with Commissioners’ who eventually where selected to work for President Obama. Looking back when I became depressed, I felt overmedicated, fatigued, sleepy and had difficulty focusing. The contacts I had developed within my agency over many years no longer seemed to be available to me in a meaningful and helpful way because of either termination of contracts, retirement, promotions and/or a job change.

At some point, two years into my depression, I was still working for the same organization. It was at this time, my immediate supervisor who wished me ill will was trying to get me fired for incompetence.  During the second half of calendar year 2011, I as given an unsatisfactory evaluation.

Shortly thereafter, I was given a second unsatisfactory for the first half of calendar year 2012. It was at this time that I realized that I had slid from the “A” List at work, past the “B” List onto my supervisor’s “S” List.  At this time with two substandard evaluations one after the other within a short timeframe, my head was spinning. I did not feel that I had much strength to fight back. Fortunately, my union supplied an attorney who provided some level of assistance. It was hard to reconcile what was going on because during the previous twenty-one years, I had received just four evaluations during that time period. They were all “outstanding”. Now it felt like I was being given “the bums rush” towards the unemployment line.

In September of 2012, I was informed by supervisor that I was going to be transferred to another unit demoted in civil service grade and receive a pay cut in the range of 16%-17%.  I had no one else who I could think of who would defend me. Appealing this decision did not seem doable and I felt that there was nothing to prevent bad things from happening.

While I was going through this, I did not send out many resumes because I simply felt that I had a total loss of confidence.  I did speak to some of my friends about my situation. However, looking back where hindsight is always perceptive, I should have engaged them more. I can think of two friends who have had great careers in financial services. But somewhere along the line, their positions were terminated and they came back to find new successful job opportunities. It never entered my mind that if other people I knew are treated badly but somehow recovered I could do so as well.

While I was going through this at the advice of my wife, I started to take classes at the Queens College School of Continuing Education. By focusing on school after work hours and also spending other evenings and weekends reading, working on homework and studying for exams, I was able to stop focusing on the bad hand life had dealt me and slowly started to focus learn about the subject-matter which related to the Medicaid and Medicare policy and reimbursement work which I performed during my previous great years in municipal government. As the result of going back to school, I started feeling less depressed and began to regain my focus and to listen to other people. In addition, I started to laugh again, once again had an appetite for food and began to gain weight. All for these things were missing while I was in a deep depression.

On the day I came to work on September 24th, 2012, I was informed was supposed to be the day my demotion went through. While waiting online to buy a morning cup of coffee and a buttered roll outside of my office, an influential co-worker approached me and informed me to my surprise that a third party at my bureau who was a recently promoted to a senior manager position had intervened on my behalf at the last moment to reach out to one of the top people at the human resources office’s at central headquarters. I was told that a “hold” had been placed on my demotion, that I no longer needed to report to the supervisor who was harassing me and that I would be given new responsibilities to perform at work.

It was a big surprise to me. Just prior to receiving my “good news”, I felt that I had reached out to everyone who could to serve as a sounding board, provide input or help. At this point-in-time, I thought that I had run out of people to reach out to. But somehow, there was a stay of execution and someone I never thought of as an ally agreed to step-up and provide assistance. I cannot say that G-d had anything to do with this. But what I had experienced was a minor miracle. Hallelujah.

(D.) Overcoming Adversity and Finding New Role Models to Inspire Me:

A year and five months after my near-demotion at work, I was still employed with the same agency in municipal government. I collapsed at work and was faced with to severe health problems. Fortunately, if a bad thing was going to happen, it happened in front of co-workers who contacted an ambulance where I was brought across the street where qualified doctors were able to diagnose my problem, provide me with effective treatment which saved my life and stabilized me so I could go home after six days of treatment and tests.

Once I returned home from the hospital, I continued to receive assistance with my care from a visiting nurse along with follow-up visits with my primary care doctor and specialists. I tried to watch as little TV as possible and to focus on reading every day. Mostly, I read the NY Times and non-fiction books relating to the biographies and social sciences. What I really like about receiving an ongoing digital copy of the NY Times everyday on my smart phone was the fact that when stories are updated during the day, the paper is updated or revised. So, I can also save copies for future research as well as send copies of interesting articles to my friends all through use of my smart phone.

After a while, I needed another form of distraction or entertainment. Rather than giving into temptation and watching television, I started to view You Tube videos.  Eventually, I focused on boxing matches from a bygone era. What I learned from watching videos of two former heavyweight champions, Joe Louis and Rocky Marciano, was to focus on were their most consequential fights. These bouts were not just entertaining and exciting. Louis and Marciano’s efforts served as a metaphor for what would be of help to me in my professional and personal life.

In summary, both fighters were losing in contests where they were favored by the betting odds makers, boxing writers and fans prior to the fight. In his 1941 bout, Louis had a twenty-five-pound weight advantage over the former Light Heavyweight Champ, Billy Conn. In 1952, Marciano was the undefeated number one twenty-eight-year-old challenger for the Heavyweight Title fighting the reigning champion named Jersey Joe Walcott who was eight years older. In both championship bouts, both fighters, Louis and Marciano, were getting out-boxed and out-punched through the first twelve rounds by their opponents. What both gladiators were able to do was to find a way to fight well and win when they were behind. During both bouts heading into the thirteenth round, all seemed bleak. Both Louis and Marciano continued using the same tactics. What changed was that both boxers seemed to find additional energy and were able to execute better when their opponents made a mistake.

I stand in awe of Louis and Marciano’s accomplishments. Both fighters could easily could have remained disheartened and frustrated and coasted their way through the three remaining, 13^th, 14^th and 15^th, championship rounds. Both fighters refused to lose, escaped defeat and won remarkable victories. So after repeatedly viewing both consequential matches held 60-70 years ago, I am still able to find inspiration in the actions of Louis and Marciano & apply it to my life.

For example, after receiving merit pay raises in both 2002 and 2003 for work above the beyond the call of my responsibilities, I was going to be demoted with a pay cut ten years later for work callously evaluated as incompetence by a demanding and unforgiving supervisor. Through my own hard work, true grit, help from an unexpected source and pure luck, bad things did not happen to me. Seventeen months later, I collapsed at work in front of co-workers and was brought quickly to a medical center where doctors were able to save my life and I was able to make a full recovery. Between challenges to my career and my health, I like to think that channeling my Inner-Joe Louis and Rocky Marciano was of inspiration to me.

Having gotten past my depression and reached a point of equilibrium, I was able to think more clearly and also regain my wit and sense of humor. An evidence of my regaining my self-esteem, I recall once saying to a co-worker in my own humorous self-deprecating manner, “I was just as incompetent in 2002 and 2003 when I received merit pay increases as I was in 2012 when I was almost demoted for unsatisfactory evaluations.”

I feel inspired by both champions. When I am going through difficult times I think about their efforts to help pull me through adverse circumstances. When I need further inspiration to from time-to-time in addition to thinking about Deter Jeter, I also channel my Inner-Joe Louis and Rocky Marciano.

(E.) Getting My Mojo Back:

Before we move forward, let me explain that Mojo is a word that is defined by Webster’s Dictionary. Mojo can be thought of as a power that may seem magical and allows someone to be very effective and successful. I find this word to be particularly useful and I have included this word in the title to the section of this blog.

In 2014 after my second hospitalization, I received a phone call to come in for a second interview with a municipal agency for a new high profile position. Although it had been a week, since I was released from the medical center post-surgery, I was not in any pain. However, I still felt weak. Against my better judgement, I accepted the appointment for an interview, put on a nice suit with a shirt, tie and pocket hankie and took the subway into Manhattan in order to attend this meeting.

Prior to my interview, I researched what the job responsibilities might be required for this new position. I also read quite a bit about the controversies involving the municipal agency regulating a particular industry. I also discovered the involvement of the executive (the Mayor), the legislature (City Council) and the businesses along with their lawyers and consultants which needed to be regulated now that new laws and administrative oversight were in place. These businesses represented a multi-billion-dollar industry.

The second interview was interesting, entertaining and exciting. I said things that I have never said in many interviews before and after. At one point near the end of our conversation, I leaned over to the most senior manager in the room and said, “I’m not applying for this interview to simply do good work. I am here because I aspire to do great work.” Secondly, I said, “I have a good idea for a job transit plan for this newly created position.” I then added, “If A, B, C & D are in place, I anticipate remarkable success.” Thirdly as a follow-up comment, I said to one of my interviewers, “Are you with me?!” The surprised look on my interviewer’s face and his nodding an affirmative was priceless even more important than the confirming verbal remark of “Yes”. I must have had an adrenaline rush in this meeting, because I had never spoken like that to anyone in a job interview before or after.

 Eventually senior management decided to offer this job to another candidate. I have attended many interviews over many years, but I have never been as well prepared nor rendered a more exceptional performance than I have ever done for this position. In addition, I have never had as much fun for these interviews as I can recall. I don’t think that I could have given a better interview. Why I fell short is something I don’t really think about.

After this interview, I briefly asked myself several questions including, “Did I show too much enthusiasm?” Was I “too bombastic (over-the-top)?” “Was there anything I would do over again?” That self-examination did last long which is a good thing. It was refreshing to know that I didn’t care what they may have thought. What counts most importantly was that I thought and felt that my effort was great.

In summary, I entered into an important meeting and set out to accomplish what I intended to do. For the first time in years, I felt that the old Michael was back. What I felt walking out of this interview still resonates inside me and has served as a valuable lesson. In summary, I started to believe in myself.

(F.) Concluding Thoughts:

For the first 20-21 years working in municipal government, I thrived by working on important projects which helped make my agency and, perhaps, the world to be a better place. I attended meetings with commissioners who have gone from employment with the City of New to working for President Obama in the federal government. I passed infrequently given and challenging civil service exams and received merit pay increases for outstanding work perform above and beyond the call of my responsibilities.

Philosophically speaking, I suppose that life sometimes hands you a basketful of lemons and in a figurative sense you try to find a way to made them into tasty lemonade. I believe that this sentence means is that life is filled with unexpected situations and often its necessary to make adjustments or change plans. Thus sometimes, it’s necessary to change strategy, work through or around a challenge, stay positive and/or be cheerful.

The thing about life is that frequently things are changing and every day is different. Also, the challenge about life is that we need to live it one day at a time. It often seems that once challenges are managed new ones come along.

At other times, life seems quiet. In those times, I think that its best to rest and recharge our batteries. After a while, it’s helpful to focus on new goals in order to be productive. Staying focused while remaining connected to loved ones and friends is important in order to ensure self-preservation.

Lastly, I am thankful for the work and efforts of my sports heroes – Derek Jeter, Joe Louis and Rocky Marciano. The values they stood for and what they accomplished are meaningful to me and relates not only to sports, it also relates to my everyday life. I apply the lessons learned from these athletes by listening and watching everything coming along in my world as the day transpires. I try to use Jeter, Louis and Marciano as role models in my life every day.