(A.) How I Initially Thought About G-d:
During the past two years, my relationship with G-d has changed much to my surprise. I never thought that I would write an essay about G-d. However, now it seems like a good idea. It is my presumption that all believers, regardless of their religious affiliation, have a different way of finding G-d and determining what G-d means to them. In the past perhaps thirty five years ago when questioned about this topic, I would state that it was my way of thinking that, “G-d created man and then man created G-d.” Googling this quote recently, I was able to discover that this quote comes from Genesis in what is either called the Torah by Jews or the Old Testament by Christians.
Before I discuss my most recent epiphany, I want to touch upon another thought that I have had about G-d in the past. For many years, it seemed to me that G-d was a force of nature which created the universe, the stars, the earth and everything else down to sub-atomic particles. In a nutshell, this concept sounds like a mechanistic way of looking like our creator. Taken to its logical conclusion, G-d can be seen as simply just a series of mathematical equations overlapping into the science of physics. Does this approach include a G-d who cares deeply about my pain and struggles during challenging times and also cheers me on when things go well? Is G-d my friend so I don’t feel so alone? My best guess is that in the past, I believed in both a G-d as a force of nature and a G-d who I can pray to when feeling depressed, lonely or overwhelmed.
(B.) Finding G-d through My Reading of History, Using My Intellect and Opening My Heart:
Many of my fellow Jews find G-d and their religious identity through communal prayer, studying our holy books, Torah and Talmud, singing holiday songs, dancing to Israeli or Klezmer Music and meals with family members, friends and sometimes with the community at holidays. I have experienced all of the above. For me, I have discovered that another way of finding G-d is through my reading of history. I love reading history. However, it is so much more than facts, figures, dates and events. It helps me determine why the world is the way it was and is, how history has evolved, what’s going on today and what can we anticipate for our future so our children and grandchild can survive and prosper.
At one time, I read everything I could about the History of the Jews as well as the Politics and History of the Middle East and the State of Israel. Among all the books I have read about this subject-matter, one author stands out above all others. His name is Max Dimont. The books which I am thinking about are entitled, “Jews, G-d and History” and “The Indestructible Jews.”
Dimont discusses all 4,000 years of Jewish history. For me, the most important time where Jewish survival was most in doubt was after the destruction of Second Temple in 70 AD. Dimont walks the reader through why the Jews were able to survive 1,900 years in the diaspora, lived away from the Land of Israel and survived and achieved remarkable accomplishments. At that time, the leaders of the Jewish revolt against the Roman Empire, Rabbi Akiva ben Joseph, the spiritual leader and the militia general Simon bar-Kokhba and their fighters were soundly beaten. As a consequence of this defeat, the Jewish leaders were executed. As a result of this war, most Jews no longer lived in Israel and migrated to countries throughout the world. All that remained were a small group of Talmudic scholars and their families.
What’s fascinating for me is the research of theologians, historians and archeologists who have determined why did the Jews not wither away and end as a religion? The Jews were able to survive nearly two millennia to outlast the Roman Empire, remain outside of the two monotheistic faiths which borrowed Jewish concepts (Islam and Christianity), prevailed over expulsion from England and other countries, escaped the Inquisition on the Iberian Peninsula and survived Russian pogroms and Nazi genocide. Three years after the Nazi perpetrated Holocaust where 35% of world Jewry was murdered, the State of Israel became a nation for the first time since antiquity. In my way of thinking if that is not a miracle, what is?
(C.) So Why Did the Jews Survive and The State of Israel Became a Nation After Arguably Suffering Its Greatest Tragedy?
My understanding of history reveals that after the Second Temple was destroyed, much of the Jewish community was dispersed through Europe, Africa and Asia. Later, Jews also settled in the Americas and Australia/New Zealand. It was at that time, Judaism faced a great challenge. What kept the Jews together stems from the fact that we took our holy books, the Torah and Talmud, with us. We prayed in temples, synagogues, yeshivas and Jewish centers.
We learned the languages and cultures of other countries while retaining of knowledge of Hebrew and also created our own supplemental languages including Yiddish, Ladino and Bukharin. We worked in businesses, trades, professions, science and entertainment in order to put a roof over our heads, clothes on our back and food in our stomachs to sustain our families and ourselves. Not all of us prospered. Many Jews were able to find jobs in gentile lands, were not held in high regard and often discriminated against. Some of us inter-married and lost contact with our religious faith while others retained the venerated traditions. We also remained flexible as a religious faith by expanding across a wide-spectrum of observance between orthodox (traditional & modern), conservative, reform and reconstructionist. This tolerance of different ways of observance among the Jews has been not been without controversy. However, it’s largely been peaceful.
When we add up the numbers, we are not a large group of people. There are fourteen million Jews at the same time the world population is now seven billion people and rapidly growing. So therefore, we are 2/10 of 1 percent of the world’s population. Judaism has not only influenced the Jewish faith, it has also greatly influenced the other monotheistic faiths, Islam and Christianity. There are now approximately 3.8 billion people who are either Muslims or Christians. We also share the same patriarchs and matriarchs, Abraham, Sarah and Hagar. Thus we (Muslims, Christians and Jews) are in-a-sense cousins.
In addition, 1.5 billion Chinese, Cubans, Vietnamese and North Koreans look to political and economic philosophy of a lapsed Jew named Karl Marx and believe in a creed known as Communism. Communism has had a profound impact on world events through the 20th and 21st centuries.
In terms of the secular world, Jewish influence has been remarkable. For example, Albert Einstein’s concepts of the universe are still being discussed, debated and explored. Another iconic figure that has broken new ground during the past one hundred or more years was Sigmund Freud’s theories and practice into the inner workings of the mind which has greatly influenced medicine and talk therapy. Some of Freud’s ideas have been discarded and others remain the bedrock of psychiatry and psychology. However, Freud still remains important to mental health professionals and throughout popular culture. Thirdly through secular fields, the contributions of Jews in science, medicine, business, finance, entertainment, government and culture has been valuable to our world.
(D.) What Does All This History Mean?
Getting back to Max Dimont’s books and his thoughts about the Jews and G-d for me, it all adds up. My conclusion is that summing up 4,000 years of Jewish history either G-d had directly spoken to the Jews or the Jews were divinely inspired to carry on their faith while at the same time benefiting theology and spirituality as well as the secular world. Therefore, it is Dimont’s and my way of thinking and feeling that this is all not an accident. G-d does not favor the Jews over other religious faiths. But by surviving, being productive and helping make our world a better place, I am left with a sense that the story of Jewish history is extraordinary, meaningful, inspiring and awesome. So through my reading of history, I am left with an immense spiritual feeling which at times transcends logic and I feel a sense of wonder and much closer to G-d.
(E.) It’s Not Intellectual. It’s Simply Feeling That G-d Is Out There:
(1.) What Happened to Me on 01-31-2014?
On 01-31-2014, I was feeling fine as I arrived to my office at work. Most prominent on my mind when I sat down at my desk was the fact that I was worried about my wife’s problem with our car due to a dead battery in our parking garage, a snow storm on that same day and her emergent need to arrive to work on time to the public school where she works. Later that morning and five seconds before I collapsed under my desk, I had no idea that I was going to lose consciousness and faced to life threatening health problems which could have killed me.
What was my problem on that particular day? The theory as told to me by my hospital doctors is that when I had periodontal scaling four days before with my periodontist, I did not take an antibiotic, Amoxicillin, to prevent infection. The rationale and medical terminology as explained to me was that the antibiotic provides prophylaxis or protection. The interesting thing is that I have been seeing periodontists for over thirty years two to three times per year to treat recurrent gingivitis and I never needed this medication before treatment.
Therefore, some time prior to this dental procedure, something in my physiology changed. Thus due to this procedure and my not knowing that I needed to take an antibiotic to prevent possible harm, I was afflicted with an embolic stroke. This resulted in a loss of oxygen in the blood flow to my brain. Another microbe traveling to my aortic heart valve caused an infection in my aortic knows as endocarditis.
I was brought by a stretcher to the ambulance were I was taken several hundred feet across the street to the hospital emergency room. I was in and out of consciousness as emergency room personnel pulled off my clothes. I could hear medical personnel state that I was suffering from a stroke. I was aware enough of what was going on to understand that I had a serious medical condition.
The next morning when I woke up in intensive care hooked-up to two or three machines, my thoughts in sequential order were the following. I first knew that I had a stroke the previous day and I was surprised and thankful that my brain remembered my name. So understanding that I had experienced a stroke, I sensed that I was off to a good start. Secondly, I was also thankful that I had comprehensive health care coverage. Having reacquainted myself with hospital generated expenses and billing through a Time Magazine months before, I had a rough idea what my bill might be even though I had no idea how longer I would be an inpatient? If I had unfortunately been a self-pay patient, I knew that the out-of-pocket costs would have totaled a small fortune.
Thirdly being hooked up to an EKG and other machines, I needed to use a bedpan to perform a bal- movement. Using a bedpan was uncomfortable and I was unable to clean myself after defecating as I would normally do. Eventually after before a bal-movement, my registered nurses who happened to be from the Philippines were able to take care of my immediate needs by cleaning me without delay nor complaint. My nurses were very professional and their efforts were much appreciated by me.
While reflecting these simple but important acts of kindness, my mind wandered to thoughts of a typhoon which devastated large parts of their homeland two to three months before. After aid workers from the Philippines and other nations had conducted an initial assessment, it was determined that 10,000 people were swept away and most likely drowned in the storm. I never asked my nurses questions about how they were affected by this terrible act of nature, instead I had an ongoing conversation in my mind.
The answer to my question thankfully came quickly to me. While lying in my intensive care bed, I recalled a book I read at least twenty years before that was written by a Rabbi named Harold Kushner. This book is entitled, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”. That morning, I asked myself, “If my nurses have families back in their homeland who have suffered painful loses, “Why am I so fortunate?” The answer to my question was addressed by Rabbi Kushner in his book. He stated that there is a lot of randomness in our world, the planet Earth. Kushner also states that G-d is not involved in causing a terrible storm. So, bad things happening to good people is a question of probabilities or as I like to put it, I call it “the actuarial approach”. So therefore if these actions cause injury or death to people, “Where is G-d?” In his response, Kushner said that “G-d is on the side of the victims and the family members who are grieving.” I found Rabbi Kushner’s philosophy to be comforting.
Just to summarize within forty-eight hours after collapsing, I quickly went from my office, to an ambulance, to an emergency room to an intensive care unit (ICU). During the end of this timeframe, I was brought to a hospital ward with five roommates in beds. This ward was quite busy with doctors, nurses, technicians and other hospital personnel coming in and out at all hours of the day and night.
At some point, I got up from my bed and ventured out to go for a walk through the ward in my hospital gown. It was shortly after I started to stroll through this room; I passed by a senior attending physician who recognized me, introduced himself, gave me his business card and shook my hand. The doctor then said, “We saved your life in the emergency room two days ago.” No one had ever spoken to me like this before. I was struck silent by the enormity of this short but powerful message. The only reply I could utter was, “Thank you.” This feedback impressed upon me an understanding that I had come close to death or long term disabilities.
Fortunately for me, I collapsed at work. Thinking about this encounter, it seems that on occasions being lucky means all the difference in the world. I never spoke with this doctor again. However, our brief conversation still resonates inside and I presume will always stay with me. My feeling of thankfulness will never leave me. Our discussion changed everything. It was a profound moment in my life. Objectively, I cannot prove that G-d exists. However, I get up every day and reflexively thank G-d that I am alive. I regularly tell myself, “There for the grace of G-d go you and I.”
Sometimes, I react in my mind differently to what people say because of my experiences. From time-to-time, I can hear co-workers at work say on a Monday morning, “I’d rather not be here. I cannot wait until the weekend to enjoy by leisure time.” I know that this person may have not had the same life experiences as men or my insights into a near-death experience. But when I hear that the type of conversation, I chuckle to myself, smile and say nothing. I now realize that each day I am alive and well. Life is too valuable to put myself on hold and not appreciate each day of the work week.
I work in municipal government. Sometimes, I meet with friends and co-workers who ask me when I am going to retire. When I hear that, I sometimes say to myself, life is existential and sometimes unfair. I then say out loud so all can hear, “I may have thirty-five years left or thirty-five seconds. It’s not now time for me to openly discuss these thoughts that may lead to future plans.” I suppose what I am feeling is that I embrace life and I will accept whatever life and G-d has to offer me. I’m far from a “Zen-like” figure in my philosophy. In this blog, I am simply expressing my thoughts and feelings about in channeling my Inner-Robert Frost, a famed poet, about what I have experienced in having embarked on taking “the road not taken”.
(2.) September 11th, 2001:
It wasn’t until twelve plus years after my 01-31-2014 health-scare that the gravity of 09/11/2001 hit home. Specifically on 09/11/2014, I belatedly realized the obvious regarding why I came home on that terrible date. At that time, I was still working in municipal government. I came to work at my usual 07:30 am in an office across from City Hall where both the Mayor and the City Council worked. This location was 3 ½ blocks away from the World Trade Center (WTC) which was located on Church Street and where the jet planes crashed in both WTC towers.
A second factor which stood in my favor on 09/11 was that when reading my morning, NY Times, newspaper when near the end of my morning commute, the subway conductor said into the loud speaker, “City Hall". With this notification, I pulled myself away from my paper, got off the subway, bought my morning coffee and a buttered Kaiser roll for breakfast and headed upstairs to my office. If I had arrived to work later than normal and missed by stop, I would have ended up under the WTC subway stop. By 08:30 am and 09:00 am on that particular day, being located under the WTC and getting off the subway was the wrong place to be.
I suppose that many people who survived that day are still asking themselves, “Why am I alive?” They might also be asking themselves, “Why did many thousands of people who did not deserve to be murdered perish on 09/11?” In response to these questions, I am drawn to Rabbis Kushner’s explanation that G-d had nothing to do with punishing innocent people, that there is randomness in our world and that G-d was grieving with the departed victims and their families.
(F.) In Conclusion:
In this blog, I have written about the way I feel closer to G-d in a rather unusual way. I have gravitated to the social sciences especially history since I was in second grade and seven years old. In what I describe as the intellectual approach”, this realization stems from my reading of Jewish history which generates thoughts and feelings about our creator. We as a people have managed to survive not simply for survival sake. But, we have made a rather large contribution in the world we live in terms of spirituality, theology and the secular world. What I have read are not just facts, dates, statistics and events. Our history it not simply by chance, luck or good fortune. Nothing about this story is gratuitous. I think about G-d’s relationship to the Jews and my relationship to both G-d and my fellow Jews. Whatever we have accomplished, we have earned. But, now is not the time for us to rest on our laurels. There is almost always more work to be done.
I am not the kind of person who wears his spirituality and religious faith on his sleeve. However, I do respect people who are much more vocal about this subject. I suppose it all has to do with the fact that I am in my early sixties and I know that I will not live forever. So, perhaps why I am headed in a direction about writing about G-d stems from the fact that I am in-touch with my own mortality?
When I think about the days when it was possible that I may not have come home alive, 09/11/2001 and 01/31/2014, I recognize that pure good fortune or luck was on side. Even if G-d had nothing to do with my coming home on both days, I still get up every day and thank our creator that I am alive even if at times I am still struggling to define what G-d is? However, I am not troubled. G-d and I have an evolving and ongoing relationship.
As a consequence of these near-death experiences, I have done some thinking and I try to tell myself the following daily affirmations:
• “Talk less, listen more and ask thoughtful questions.”;
• “Stay focused, remain calm and retain your sense of humor”;
• “If you cannot modify someone else’s behavior, change your perspective and the world changes underneath your feet’;
• “On a daily basis, try to maintain the proper balance between self-confidence and humility”;
• “If you temporarily forget the first four daily affirmations, go back to #1 and try again.”
What I now know having survived is the following. It is far less important that the people I inter-act with on a daily basis including family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances know that I am smart or funny. Its far more important that I listen to everyone I speak to with and they all walk away from our conversation and they know that I have focused on what they are thinking and feeling and they have been respected.
In addition, it all starts with having a good sense of self. If you love yourself, you can love everyone you come in contact within your world. I try to remain steadfast to these principles because they help guide me, aid me in remaining true to myself and keep me on track. I don’t want the near-death experiences I have encountered in my lifetime to have been in vain and I want to strive on a daily basis to be a truly better person.
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